Hey there you guys, here’s an early Christmas present for you beautiful folks. My second annual Worst of the Year list! While the year isn’t quite over, it’s hard for me to imagine things getting much worse than these. This was a really mixed bag of a year, but the ones that were bad… holy shit you guys, the bad ones really set a brand new standard for complete and total garbage. So, without further ado, here are the 10 worst movies that I watched this year.
Note: This list of 10 was pared down from a list of 20. There were some fucking awful movies this year, I can’t stress this enough.
10. The Vatican Tapes
There’s something about a movie that is not only full of bad acting, and a mediocre story, but also is absolutely fucking lazy at the same time. This movie is a waste of time and energy, and manages to soil the already tainted name of found footage movies. Plus, the devil wins and becomes some sort of holy “parody” because… apparently that’s interesting at all.
Total Gross: $1,784,763
9. The Lazarus Effect
What do you get when you stuff a bunch of comedic actors into a movie that offers up nothing unique, original or scary? Well, a comedy, I guess. Except this one is supposed to be scary, and isn’t at all funny. The best actors are criminally under used, and the movie already looks like it’s ten years older than it really is.
Total Gross: $25,801,047
Holy shit this movie is a mess. A couple of solid actors doing a lousy job, and I actually give huge credit to the movie having an almost entirely female cast. That said, it’s impossible to watch and they spend a substantial chunk of the movie forcing you to watch teen girls be shitty to each other. It offers nothing, and is a confusing mess all the way through.
Total Gross: Unavailable
7. The Gallows
The more new found footage movies that come out, the more I am starting to see what everyone’s problem with them is. This offers absolutely nothing new, though an admittedly tense scene or two. The biggest sin that the movie commits actually happens in its advertising, when the trailer claims: “Freddy had his glove. Jason had his machete. Charlie has his noose.”. Holy fucking christ.
Total Gross: $22,764,410
6. Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension
I have given this series the benefit of the doubt for a really long time. My affection for the first one has definitely coloured my viewing of the ones that followed, much like the Saw series, and much like the Saw series, this final entry has sucked out all of my good will. This movie presents big ideas and does absolutely nothing with them. What a waste.
Total Gross: $18,300,124
5. The Green Inferno
Oh hate you Eli Roth. You’re on this list twice, that’s how much I hate your movies. This “homage” to cannibal films feels out of date, and tone deaf from start to finish. The reason these cannibal movies don’t work anymore is because the whole racism thing doesn’t really work for most people anymore. While the movie has some pretty effective gore, it spends too long on characters who don’t matter, and atrocious writing.
Total Gross: $7,192,291
What a fucking missed opportunity. I’m not someone who is immediately against a remake of a horror movie. Do I wish there were more original titles coming out? Yeah. Do I also notice that plenty of originals are garbage too? Absolutely. A good remake can really be a wonderful thing, Poltergeist is nothing. Easily one of the grossest injustices done to a great horror flick.
Total Gross: $47,425,125
3. The Visit
I don’t even know what to say about this. M. Night Shyamalan is terrible, and makes terrible movies for terrible people. The little white kid rapping is enough, on its own, to make this movie one of the worst of the year, but throw in the weird, clunky dialogue, the most obvious example of “found footage not shot by the character” ever, and you have this pile of garbage.
Total Gross: $65,206,105
2. Knock Knock
The second time Eli Roth makes my list this year, how terribly exciting or whatever. Knock Knock is sleazy, gross and a complete and fucking total waste of time. There are a couple of hilarious line readings from Keanu Reeves that are worth looking up on YouTube or something, but the movie over all is just awful. Check out John Wick instead.
Total Gross: $36,336 (hahahahahaha)
1. The Nightmare
Holy fucking shit. This movie is absolutely infuriating to me. Presented as a “documentary” about the legitimately terrifying phenomenon known as sleep paralysis. What it actually is, is a bunch of talking heads telling stories of nightmares they had once. This is worse than the previous film by this director, Room 237, and that’s saying something.
Total Gross: $28,281