The Vatican Tapes (2015)

FIN03_VaticanTapes_1Sht_Trim_72dpiJesus wept this is a fucking lousy movie. Happy day 6 of my #31DaysOfHorror everyone… The Vatican Tapes.

A priest and two Vatican exorcists must do battle with an ancient satanic force to save the soul of a young woman.

Well, this little project isn’t going especially well so far, but this is the icing on the God damned cake. This movie is, surprisingly, not a found footage movie, but it incorporates found footage elements for no real reason other than to justify the “tapes” part of the title. What we have here is essentially the worst part of every exorcism movie made since the 70s smashed together in a plot that could generously be described as “unclear”. There are so many things happening, and a relatively short amount of time to crush it all into, that it becomes a chaotic mess.

The acting is lousy, I don’t know what to say there, but I don’t even necessarily blame the actors on this one. At least not entirely. There are a couple of familiar faces in Michael Peña (Fury), and Djimon Hounsou (Guardian’s of the Galaxy) but even they can’t really pull this movie together. The weak script, coupled with the off-the-wall style of director Mark Neveldine (Crank), really make for a lousy pairing. Neveldine-Taylor proved that they have a really frantic style of film making, and that really doesn’t translate over to horror movies, particularly an exorcism movie.

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The exorcism scene consists of the victim screaming for a really long time, coupled with some shouting about an egg, and the usual disgusting dislocation and body contortion that have become a staple of movies like this. That said, the dislocating scene is probably one of the hardest to watch in the movie, and really did make my skin crawl. However, it’s become such a common thing in movies like this that I don’t want to give it too much credit.

The rest of the “scary” scenes in the movie really fall flat, a police officer sees a raven and smashes two light bulbs into his eyes, which comes off as way funnier than it was supposed to. As well, you have a scene where a room full of patients in a mental hospital hear the word of the devil and kill each other and themselves, which is obviously in really great taste (read that sarcastically).

One last thing that I need to harp on here is the fucking tapes. When this movie does use “found footage”, it puts frames, time codes, blinking lights, and all the usual crap that lazy film makers put on their movies to make it look like its “from a camera”, and it’s always wrong.

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So, in the end the girl becomes the antichrist and goes around “parodying” Jesus (apparently) to make everyone worship here, yada yada yada, evil wins and this movie fucking sucks. Skip it.

FINAL GRADE: **

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