The Visit (2015)

The-Visit-2015-09-11The little white boy raps, and the “grandparents” are actually escaped mental patients who murdered the real grandparents. There. Fuck this movie. It’s The Visit.

A single mother finds that things in her family’s life go very wrong after her two young children visit their grandparents.

I’d heard just about every bad thing that you can hear about a movie. Including Your Movie Sucks referring to the movie as “worse than cancer“, and so armed with that and my general expectation that an M. Night Shyamalan movie isn’t going to be very good, I had a feeling that I knew what I was getting myself into. However, when at the 6 minute mark I actually heard this little kid actor start rapping, I knew I was in deep shit.

Now, this movie has been labeled as Fresh at 61% by Rotten Tomatoes, placing itself next to Chronicle, which somehow still has 85%, as proof that RT is useless and garbage. I have a feeling that the positive reviews for this movie are coming from it’s ending having a pretty gross moment where an old man rubs his shit in a child’s face, but this moment is so unearned and foreshadowed that it loses all of it’s impact. The kid is set up at the beginning as being a huge germophobe who then stumbles across a pile of used adult diapers in a shed. The math is there, and it’s bullshit. That’s not to say that the movie is shot incompetently, they’ve obviously given M. Night a fair bit of money to make this movie, which he bizarrely put into shooting it, despite it being a found-footage movie, all “filmed” by a 15 year old girl.


The Visit is so absolutely fucking obnoxious that it honestly makes me angry just sitting here and writing about it. It’s listed as a horror-comedy, but none of the jokes are funny and all the horror elements are fucking ridiculous. Coupled with the fact that every word out of both children’s mouth nearly made we turn the movie off, it’s a really hard watch, bordering on an endurance test.

You have to deal with the 13 year old rapper, who uses slang I have never heard in my whole fucking life, like telling his mother he is “on the text” with two girls, and rapping about hoes to his grandmother, and on the other hand you have his 15 year old sister who fancies herself the second coming of Documentarian Christ, and has dialogue that feels like it was written by a grown man, rather than said by a teenager. I’m not saying that teenagers aren’t bright, they really are, but when I have to hear a 15 year old girl talk about her grandparent’s “proclivities” it starts to feel a little disingenuous.


The movie even falls flat in it’s premise, I understand that the mother of our two ‘heroes’ hasn’t seen her parents in a while, but the idea that she would ship her children off to stay with adults who are essentially strangers without at least seeing them safely into the arms of these people just doesn’t make sense to me. You could argue that “Without that, there’s no movie” but that’s just the problem. There should be no fucking movie.

All in all, this is not some second coming of M. Night Shyamalan, it’s an obnoxious, grating, waste of time that  I do not recommend in the slightest. Being well shot, and not looking like it was made by the worst kind of film student does not make a movie good or watchable, and this is the proof of that. Don’t waste your time or your money.



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