Dracula Untold (2014)

DRU_IMAX1Sheet_RGB_0911_smOh jesus, well it’s another Dracula movie, but don’t worry you guys, IT’S THE STORY YOU’VE NEVER HEARD. Buckle your fucking seatbelts, and prepare to have your world changed:

As his kingdom is being threatened by the Turks, young prince Vlad Tepes must become a monster feared by his own kingdom in order to obtain the power needed to protect his own family, and the families of his kingdom.

So, lets get this out of the way: This movie is a slick, stylized, action packed absolute fucking trainwreck. According to this, Vlad The Impaler was some kind of hero, who only wanted to rule peacefully and was really a tortured and sensitive soul… who also impaled people on sticks. This is part historical action, in that Vlad The Impaler was a real person, and mostly a prequel no one has ever asked for.

It’s so heavily polished and computer generated that it almost feels like you’re watching a 90 minute video game cutscene. In the worst ways. This was the writing / directing debut of Gary Shore (director), and the duo of Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless (writers), because obviously one mind couldn’t come up with the MASTERY AND DEPTH of this movie.

Anyways, Luke Evans plays Dracula and has about as much personality as a cardboard cut out of him would have been, everything in the movie feels phoned in, and lifeless, and honestly it’s just a dumb story. It was sort of nice to see Charles Dance (Game Of Thrones) in this movie, but honestly it was sort of too little too late.

Dracula Untold

There’s not much to say about this really, Vlad becomes Dracula to save his people, and then is forced to succumb to the curse and… what the fuck ever. It’s boring, even the most exciting moments are wildly dull, it’s not scary and it’s just not worth anyones time.

With so many better horror films out there, this falls in with Ouija as lazy shit that only contributes to the oversaturation of lousy horror movies. Expect more from your movies, and stop encouraging vampire stories. It did fall short of making its money back, but it still cost 70 MILLION DOLLARS to make. Think about that, that amount of money poured into something that has no life in it at all.

Just a thought.

FINAL GRADE: D

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